Well, it's done, and Kevin McHale boldly reasserts his status as Worst General Manager In History.

Message to McHale: TRADE GARNETT NOW. SEND HIM HOME. AND MAYBE WE WON'T FLAIL YOUR REPUTATION FOR THE NEXT FIFTY YEARS.

Happy Halloween!!!!

But more importantly, Happy NBA ’06-’07 Tip-Off!!!


It sure has been awhile, hoops fans, and for that I apologize. The last few days have been a grueling marathon of film editing and paper writing, ultimately wrenching me away from what truly matters most in this world: blogging, balling, and the Big Ticket. But never fear. All that pesky schoolwork has been swatted into the fifth row, and NK is now in prime position to make a clutch run to the playoffs, with relatively few road blocks along the way. Kind of like the Spurs, except without Eva Longoria showing up at our events. It’s game time, America.

But first, a quick history lesson:

The holiday of Halloween was first celebrated by the Celts in Ireland, where it was known in some locales as Pooky Night. (No joke, look it up.) Throughout the centuries, Halloween spread and evolved, and before long all of England, Scotland, and Ireland had developed this joyous excuse to wear a mask and get drunk at the company’s annual Fall get-together. Unfortunately, Halloween didn’t become a holiday in America until the 19th century, as the lingering Puritan tradition generally prohibited fun on all levels. Halloween grew and commercialized, and eventually the concept of wearing costumes and receiving treats was incorporated into the ridiculous holiday we all know and love today.

Now, humble reader, I bring this all up for a reason. Tonight is Halloween, the night of tricks..or treats.. Tonight we'll see the Miami Heat receive the greatest treat of all: their NBA championship rings. And on behalf of the entire staff of Nobody Kerrs, as well as the Dallas team which practically gave them their credit card to buy whatever treats they wanted, I'd like to congratulate the Heat on a job well done. But tonight is a start of a new season. Heading into the season opener, I find myself wondering: What costume will the NBA champs wear to the Harvest Ball tonight? Will the superhero tandem of Superman and Flash show up to the party, or will the Bulls stick a fat bar of Kryptonite in their candy bag? The sad thing is, if the Bulls don’t, the Heat probably will. In my experience, Hardware breeds complacency, my friends. Complacency breeds discord amongst a team. And discord breeds squads like the Pacers and TrailBlazers. I see this very issue as the greatest challenge facing the defending champs this year.


As I type this entry, the Bulls-Heat head into the fourth quarter, the Bulls holding an 80-54 lead. In what has unquestionably been a flat-out slaughter by the Bulls, I’d like to contribute some of the things I’ve typed up while watching the defending champs choke on candy corn.

A. Dwyane Wade is trying to do way too much, and it shows. At this point in the game, Wade has more turnovers (4) than assists(3), never a good sign for a potential MVP candidate. It seems Wade should have spent a bit less time doing endorsements this summer. Thus far, every commercial break has featured Wade endorsing either Converse or T-Mobile. Combine this with Kerr practically fellating Wade every time he touches the Rock, and you’ve got the makings of another classic night of primetime NBA programming. There are more interesting things on the court than Dwyane Wade, believe me.

B. Also, regarding the next wave of NBA superstars, Wade is undoubtedly losing the battle of endorsements to King James. While Wade’s Converse commercials feature Wade sitting on a chair trying to sound humble about how great he is, one particular Lebron commercial featured King James, dressed in a dressy white suit, doing a silky-smooth back flip off a high dive, during which he bends himself into an unbelievable folded position before slipping noiselessly into the water below. Arguably one of the funniest things I’ve seen in quite some time. (I must also point out I saw no Carmelo commercials.)

C. I doubt Shaquille O’Neal picked up a basketball once this entire summer. Both his conditioning and his free-throw shooting are atrocious, as always.

D. Though a little undersized for a center-type, Tyrus Thomas is going to be a legit player in the NBa in the next couple of years. The kid boxes out, runs a give and go, and sat O’Neal down with a Wallace-esque swat at one point. If he combines a bigger physique with his already freakish athleticism, we’re probably looking at the next Howard/Stoudemire, although most likely at the power forward position.

E. Though he has lost a bit of weight, Charles Barkley is still one of the most unintelligible, unintelligent individuals to ever speak on television .

F. TNT needs a new “Lets-cut-to-a-commercial” song.

That’s all for tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we’re going to give old Kerr a bit of a break, instead opting for one of the most quotable players in the game. As always, your comments are welcome.

“Winning the NBA championship is fun.” -Shaquille O’Neal-

Step 1: The Atlantic

In my many years of traveling through Canada, I’ve learned a few simple lessons about our great neighbors of the north. They like their conversations friendly, their sports on the ice, and their Labatts blue. That said, it may come as a bit of a surprise to you that the sport of basketball was actually invented by James Naismith, a native of Almonte, Ontario. Modeling his new sport off a familiar children’s game in Canada called Duck-On-A-Rock, Naismith went on to create one of the most beloved sports the world over.

With this said, we here at Nobody Kerrs now turn our attention to our Canadian readership (certainly numbering in the 1000’s by now). Toronto, we urge you, jump on the Raptor bandwagon now, before it’s too late. Here’s a quick fact you probably weren’t aware of. While your beloved Maple Leafs are a game below .500, your other professional sports team has raced out of the gates to a blistering 7-0 mark. Now I can hear the naysayers already. “It’s only the preseason…” but please, hear me out.

As their record indicates, the kids up north must have played a lot of Duck-On-A-Rock over the summer. And it’s not just the local kids. New GM Bryan Colangelo has spent the last summer scouring the globe for the finest D-O-A-R players around.

(You may remember Colangelo as the previous GM of the Phoenix Suns, a little- known team that has quietly dominated the Pacific Division the last two years with maestro Steve Nash, a Canadian, running the show. Colangelo was instrumental in building the core group of Nash, Marion, and Stoudemire. Not surprisingly, Colangelo was awarded the 2005 NBA Executive of the Year Award as a result before becoming GM of the Raptors in February of 2006.)

In his search, Colangelo stumbled across the NBA’s #1 pick Andrea Bargnani, (a 7 foot three-point threat described by many as the next Dirk Nowitski) 2006 FIBA World Champions Jorge Garbajosa and Jose Calderon, and Radoslav Nesterovic, former running mate of our main man here at NK, the Big Ticket, Kevin Garnett.

As evidenced by the recent FIBA World Championships, the international basketball scene has flourished in the past decade, providing equal competition with the USA year in and year out. Capitalizing on the increasing influx of quality international players to the NBA, Colangelo has instilled a European mindset, creating a shot-selective, perimeter-shooting based team led by the 6’10, 230 pound Chris Bosh, (arguably the league’s next Kevin Garnett.)

Though similar in theory to his Phoenix Suns, Colangelo’s new team ultimately lacks a premium point guard such as the one he left with Phoenix. Though lightning fast, T.J. Ford is both injury and turnover prone, and runs the risk of outrunning his slower-paced, jump shooting, European teammates. This established, I would have argued for Colangelo holding onto the fundamentally sound Charlie Villanueva and furthering developing Calderon as a point guard until a better candidate came along.

Nevertheless, as it stands, the new ‘06-’07 Raptors stand to make a viable run at the Atlantic, arguably the league’s worst division. Their main competition throughout the season will primarily come from the New Jersey Nets, led by the aging three-headed monster of Carter-Kidd-Jefferson. However, as is often the case, one or more of these three quality players will inevitably fall to injury throughout the season, leaving the division there for the Raptors to take. Though a bit bold, we here at NK are going out on a limb, tabbing the once-lowly Toronto Raptors to arise from the Cretaceous and storm through the sluggish Atlantic like a Raptor pack through a Brontosaurus herd.

Official Nobody Kerrs Atlantic Standings
1. Toronto
2. New Jersey
3. Boston
4. Philly
5. New York

And now, your Kerr quote of the day…

“Stoudemire is not Duncan.”

Once again, Brilliant. Thankfully, Nobody Kerrs.
(As always, your comments are welcome.)

The clock is ticking, hoops fans. Within 6 short days another year of NBA action will grace our living rooms. This year promises a plethora of storylines to follow. How will Detroit react to the loss of Big Ben on the inside? How long before Ron Artest's first album go platinum? Will the Suns finally outrun the West and make a serious run at an NBA title? Can Nate McMillan keep his young group of unpredictable Jail-blazers out of the strip clubs and on the court? Will Mark Madsen emerge as a bona-fide superstar? Can Miami repeat? Only time will tell. We're in store for a hell of a ride, and we here at Nobody Kerrs are glad you're here to share it with us. Throughout the season we aim to provide you in-depth NBA analysis far removed from the broad generalizations and misguided logic associated with the Marc Stein's and the Steve Kerr's of our time. Over the next few weeks we plan to detail each division, commenting on the strengths and weaknesses of each team and our predictions for how these teams will finish. It's going to be a great year, and we here at Nobody Kerrs are glad you're here to share it with us. On behalf of myself, The Anesthesiologist, and Schyeven, we welcome you to our little corner of cyberspace. And now, our very first Steve Kerr Quote of the Day:

"Generally experienced teams know how to win in the NBA."

Beautiful. As always, Nobody Kerrs.

Before the site kicks into full gear, let's take a sample of classic Kerr quotes from recent times...

"If Amare Stoudemire can't come back from his knee injury and be a productive player, Phoenix will be limited inside..."

comment---yes, they would be without a "true center" but it seems to me our dear Wolves made a nice playoff run without a decent center. However, whoever said Mr. Nash is afraid of driving the lane? He's not AI but he can slice and dice pretty well.

"If Thomas fails and the Knicks falter, there's no telling what the future will hold in the Big Apple. Owner James Dolan has put all of his eggs in Isiah's basket, so it's time to see some results. If not, Thomas could be gone."

comment---a quote would be nice here to indicate that Thomas was anywhere near the end of his rope. Considering that Thomas has continually fucked up the Knicks from top to bottom (spending-wise), I think Mr. Dolan must have some insane hope that Thomas is doing the right job to NOT have fired him by now. That said, if the Knicks lose their first 15 games...well...

"Dallas deserves the No. 1 ranking in the West because it knocked off the Spurs in the playoffs last season, winning Game 7 on the road"

comment---ehhhhh. wrong. they aren't the same teams. this is a new season. I know all we have to go on is last season but come on, THIS seasons' analysis and rankings has to go deeper than that.



And on a baseball note:


by the by, this is utterly stupid as well, "Jim Leyland says the Tigers aren't conceding the World Series just yet, but they must first beat the Cardinals' Jeff Suppan". completely obvious